I like the poem to take the shape of past and then the (here and now) present. The rhyming pattern in my opinion is working great as I transition from line to line. However, I'm not sure the use of metaphors will be understood or appreciated by those who read my poem.
You have NO idea!
Lovely as they may
It all vanishes away
Don't run away
Stay here and Play
No you say
For the person you once were
Is no longer here
You have changed
So I must rearrange
This so called thing
I looked upon as life
Try not to choke
On love that is now covered in smoke
Puff, Puff, Puff
I have inhaled enough
No love, No trust
So why would I sit around?
Just waiting to die
A broken heart
Shattered by cupids arrow
Fly away my pain
take the path of the Sparrow however, far and narrow!
Shanell, if you decide to revise this poem for the future, use Plath as your inspiration. Look at how she strings a series of images. You have some great images emerging here with the smoke and the heart. See if breaking out of the rhyme scheme can help shake up this poem.
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